Monday, April 07, 2008

We have some harsh words for Ms. Minogue :( x 10000000

We try to focus on the positive here in DN-land, and we're sure we are all in agreement that Kylie Minogue is a fairly positive subject. We've always had nothing but the utmost respect for Kylie, and literally had to leave work when she was diagnosed with breast cancer (not joking). So it pains us to type these words, but WHAT. THE. FUCK. Every time we hear "All I See" we become more and more adamant in our thinking that it's really, really Not Good. Not Good At All. The problem presents itself thusly: We assume, as it has been demonstrated by various labels since "Fever" came out all those years back, that Universal/Astralwerks want to break America--something like how Leona Lewis just destroyed every radio format over the past month--and they thought that the quickest way to do so was to release a fluffy, totally harmless R&B ditty to assuage the US masses, as that's all we'll ever really listen to (except country, and somehow a "Kylie: Live in Nashville" album almost seems like a good idea at this point). What whoever chose "All I See" as her lead single in America forgot is heartbreakingly simple: Kylie Minogue is a 40-year-old white woman who can't sing. Again: KYLIE MINOGUE IS A 40-YEAR-OLD WHITE WOMAN WHO CAN'T SING. We love her. We adore her. She is our everything. She is our #1. But it's true. She needs huge, awesome pop production in order to sound like her larger-than-life self, and "All I See" just doesn't deliver in that department. In the above performance (from this morning's "Ellen Degeneres Show"), anyone with ears can hear that Kylie is not in her element: yes, she looks fabulous, yes, the dancers are doing their best to distract from the fact that the song is weak and Kylie surely hasn't gone to a "club" with a "boy" in quite some time (which is FINE), and it all comes off as SO desperate and shallow that it really makes us wonder if it was even worth releasing "X" in America in the first place. Surely a performance like that on a daytime television show geared towards middle-aged women and the lesbians who love them can't be doing a EURO-POP RECORD that much good? We would have been behind any other song (LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE) from "X" being on American TV (imagine the MAJESTY that is "In My Arms" or "Wow" or "Sensitized" or "Heart Beat Rock" in front of a couple hundred thousand viewers!), but not this. In a post-"Umbrella" world, "All I See" is totally useless, whereas "X" grows on us more and more with every listen. Sad.

Just to remind us that Kylie is amazing and can perform amazing songs amazingly, let's all dry our tears, sit down and watch this a few times, together:


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