Kylie Minogue rights every wrong perpetrated by the marketing behind "X"
In a perfect world, one devoid of war, crime, and misery, Kylie Minogue would have released the Freemasons edit of her new single "The One" instead of "2 Hearts" as the leasd single off of "X" and would have destroyed everyone else in her path. Unfortunately, the world is super fucked up and she's only getting to it now. Better late than never we suppose. Well done, Kylie/the people that market her.
That said, we could do without the Euro-dance vocal edits near the 2:30 mark, but that's just us.
We have some harsh words for Ms. Minogue :( x 10000000
We try to focus on the positive here in DN-land, and we're sure we are all in agreement that Kylie Minogue is a fairly positive subject. We've always had nothing but the utmost respect for Kylie, and literally had to leave work when she was diagnosed with breast cancer (not joking). So it pains us to type these words, but WHAT. THE. FUCK. Every time we hear "All I See" we become more and more adamant in our thinking that it's really, really Not Good. Not Good At All. The problem presents itself thusly: We assume, as it has been demonstrated by various labels since "Fever" came out all those years back, that Universal/Astralwerks want to break America--something like how Leona Lewis just destroyed every radio format over the past month--and they thought that the quickest way to do so was to release a fluffy, totally harmless R&B ditty to assuage the US masses, as that's all we'll ever really listen to (except country, and somehow a "Kylie: Live in Nashville" album almost seems like a good idea at this point). What whoever chose "All I See" as her lead single in America forgot is heartbreakingly simple: Kylie Minogue is a 40-year-old white woman who can't sing. Again: KYLIE MINOGUE IS A 40-YEAR-OLD WHITE WOMAN WHO CAN'T SING. We love her. We adore her. She is our everything. She is our #1. But it's true. She needs huge, awesome pop production in order to sound like her larger-than-life self, and "All I See" just doesn't deliver in that department. In the above performance (from this morning's "Ellen Degeneres Show"), anyone with ears can hear that Kylie is not in her element: yes, she looks fabulous, yes, the dancers are doing their best to distract from the fact that the song is weak and Kylie surely hasn't gone to a "club" with a "boy" in quite some time (which is FINE), and it all comes off as SO desperate and shallow that it really makes us wonder if it was even worth releasing "X" in America in the first place. Surely a performance like that on a daytime television show geared towards middle-aged women and the lesbians who love them can't be doing a EURO-POP RECORD that much good? We would have been behind any other song (LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE) from "X" being on American TV (imagine the MAJESTY that is "In My Arms" or "Wow" or "Sensitized" or "Heart Beat Rock" in front of a couple hundred thousand viewers!), but not this. In a post-"Umbrella" world, "All I See" is totally useless, whereas "X" grows on us more and more with every listen. Sad.
Just to remind us that Kylie is amazing and can perform amazing songs amazingly, let's all dry our tears, sit down and watch this a few times, together:
In which Kylie Minogue tries, for the millionth time, to break America
Last night, HRH Kylissia of the Minoguerites (no relation to Sophia von Bextorvilles) brought her 8 dancers in tow and performed on the Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson. Now, we've very big fans of the new album X, but we just can't seem to get behind "All I See", which is the chosen single for the American promotion of the record. It's just so... desperately AMERICAN, it makes us long for Kylie to put out a pure pop album that would essentially be "Wow" x 12, instead of "kind of weirdly awkward electro pop album" x 1. Also we really can't deal with the Tatyana Ali reference.
Anyway here is the video of last night's performance.
Yes, OK it was amazing but YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.
It makes us long for the Kylie of yore. Or even the Kylie of new doing the Kylie of yore:
It's 4:30AM, we're very drunk, and we feel like we might just throw up all the beer we have consumed in the past 6 hours.
That's OK though, because THERE IS A VIDEO FOR KYLIE MINOGUE'S "WOW".
Apparently "PerezHitlon.com" posted it a while ago, but since they're not a Pop Music Blog (but in fact a Horrible Blog About Celebrities and Awful Things) we claim dibs.
THIS IS SO GOOD.
Nice to see that Kylie has abandoned the black glitter pianos and platinum blonde dye jobs for some fucking dancing robots. Not a moment too soon.
Perhaps it is because you're having a swim in a heated pool, but then again it could be because your new single "Wow" is being generally well received by the public, and that whole "2 Hearts" debacle seems well behind us. Well done, etc.
Personally speaking, we think that "Wow" is the best Kylie single since "Come Into My World", and with a little bit of diplomacy and deep meditation we have gotten over the fact that "2 Hearts" should have been the best Kylie single since "Come Into My World", but wasn't. Whatever, the world turns.
One of the many remixes of "Wow" that is making the rounds at the moment is the CSS remix, which is actually way better than how CSS usually fare with other people's songs. Anyway, it is here and it is now.
...since everyone else seems to have already done so, but someone (or some... thing) anonymously emailed it to us this morning, so what the hell.
This is a single from Fast Ood Rockers called "Song 4 Kylie... I'm In Love (With a Girl in a Time Machine)".
We're just glad to see we're not the only people who feel someone should pay for the "Strict Machine"/"2 Hearts" "debacle". We would post said song, but then would it go to #1? We guess most of our readers are in the U.S., where it won't be available for purchase, so we'll post it anyway. It's actually kind of good, though we've never watched Dr. Who and we've never listened to "Smile Like You Mean It" by the Killers, so perhaps some of the finer ironic points are lost on us.
We love Kylie Minogue--really we do. We know we have been serving the hardcore hate when it comes to "2 Hearts", but really it's just like when your kid gets a B on their 5th grade geography test instead of an A. It's like, come on. It's not rocket science.
BUT Alan Braxe (who we, need we even say it, FUCKING LOVE) has just remixed "2 Hearts" and made it fucking amazing. We liked the Pimps and Whores remix, but we mean, no one can touch Alan.
Somehow we thought this post would be funnier... maybe it's because it's 4:47AM and we're tired as fuck after spending more money than we should have on alcohol and loud music.
It's taken us a few days to post the new Kylie video because we're not sure how we feel about it
...and it is causing us a GREAT deal of PAIN and SUFFERING.
That was the video for Kylie's new single "2 Hearts".
First off, after years of anticipation and the suspense of grave medical setbacks, we would have expected the new Kylie video to be a little more than a Goldfrapp video from 2005. That said, the song has the potential to be brilliant after a few listens and perhaps hearing it BANGING from a club PA. The "Whoo!" parts in the chrous are pretty awesome and make us want to get up and dance, though the song could have used a cool middle eight and another chorus (perhaps added "Whoo!"'s?) All in all we are waiting to hear the full album before passing any sort of final judgment on this whole comeback business, so for now we will just say:
1. It's no "Catch You" and 2. We haven't heard the new Dannii single but if it's better than "2 Hearts" then we WILL NOT be responsible for our actions.
PS: We are happy that Kylie is back! Back!! BACK!!!!
It would seem like after all that "brouhaha", only one Calvin Harris song will be used on the new Kylie record. We suppose that's still one more than Mylo or Hot Chip, who's songs were totally scrapped. Bummer. Mylo got one over everyone and posted his Kylie track on his MySpace page, and all we can say is that if THIS track got scrapped than this album will be the "Nevermind" of pop. Listen to it by clicking on this bit of highlighted text.
Anyway, the Calvin track is called "Heart Beat Rock" and since it features both Calvin Harris and Kylie Minogue we're sure it will be quite listenable.
You can read more info on the record (named "X" because it's the tenth Kylie album etc etc) over at the Kylie.com forums.
And that is all the Kylie news for today. "Over and out", as they say.
So here's some Kylie news.