Monday, July 24, 2006

Cap That Video!: Jessica Simpson

SHOCKER! We've always been closet Jessica Simpson fans, for reasons unknown to everyone including ourselves. We think we were more into her as a celebrity (idiocy, divorce, lips) than a pop star (boring, shit). MORE SHOCKER! In an incredibly bizarre twist of fate, Jessica's new single and video are amazing. We take points off from whoever wrote this song for the whole "Holiday" debacle, but the video is a mind-blowing excerise in America's obsession with celebrity and... something. Anyway, you can watch Jessica fellate an ice cream cone in it. The video is so good, in fact, that we've deicded to use it to inaugurate our new weekly music video recap section, dubiously dubbed Cap That Video!. Note exclamation point for increased eightiesness.


Jessica in the back of the limo, looking "sultry". Perhaps this is some sort of method acting? Perhaps she's thinking about how much she likes Starbucks? Her genius is truly endless.

Somehow, Christina Milian commenting on her crippling level of fame and celebrity seems a little too post-modern, even for a Jessia Simpson video.

Eva wants to be "the most downloaded person on the Internet". We were unaware that you could download people from the Internet. If we had known, we'd have downloaded Wentworth Miller ages ago. Maybe La Longoria thinks this is not a J. Simp video shoot, but the Cronenberg thriller Scanners?

Oh God, why did I take this gig. That's it, I'm firing my agent. I'm through. Everyone hates me. Even my mother hates me. She doesn't call me anymore... nobody does. People even blame me for some retarded 80-year-old winning Idol this season. I thought, you know, Jess is single now, maybe I'd come to the shoot, chat her up, have some wine spritzers in my trailer... I didn't even get a trailer. I'm still hot, still the Crest of the Sea, you know? Damn that agent.

Jessica and the girls end up at Misshapes. We're only half joking.

Andy Dick illustrating that, like robots, ninjas and pirates, he is no longer funny.

We're not witty enough to make this image funnier. Just breathe. Take it in.

"Holiday! Celebrate!" How lame are roller rinks the second people put their hands in the air? Notice black woman in leopard print: "subliminal racism" or "costume coordinator on crack"?

Oh God, sorry, sorry. It's just so funny. Ha. Hahaha.

Apparently you can download people off the Internet! This video quite literally gets better by the "second".

The score: Jessica: 1 - Nick: 0. We left out the Dirty Dancing spoof, Jessica looking cute in a photobooth, and Christina Applegate (not much of a loss there, we're sure you'll agree). Best pop video of the year? You be the judge:


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