This is Cuizinier

...preparing to perform cunnilingus on a microphone.



Get into it, dude.

Anyway, we really try to hate Cuizinier because he obviously fucked over our girl Yelle, who is becoming way more successful and awesome then him (even though we simply CANNOT hate on Teki Latex and 3615 TTC, whatever), but this new song we just came across is like, holy FUCKING SHIT. The secret ingredient is obviously DJ Orgasmic, who produced the motherfucking shit out of this record. It's so approved we can't even deal. We need a new level of approval.

Cuizinier - Quand Tu M'aimes

We can't. PS who do we contact to get the next Kylie record produced by Orgasnic...?

DOUBLE FRENCH BRAND NEW VIDEO BUMPER XTRANAGANZA!

...or something similarly hyperbolic.

Two of our very favorite French artists have come out with new videos this week: namely a woman who likes to sing about small penises named Yelle and a pop group that like to sing about small vaginas named the Teenagers. Both videos are beautiful in their own different ways (just like children).


That was the video for "Love No" by the Teenagers, which is possibly the most awkward excuse for a music video I have ever seen. In a way it's kind of awesome how the Teenagers are still weird enough to not know how to carry themselves in front of a camera, but on the other hand it's probably just a load of shit. The song is amazing though.



That was the new Yelle video for the old Yelle song "Je Veux Te Voir". Let's evaluate the components of this pop video, as to determine its amazingness.

Illuminated colored cubic background? Check.
Smiley face dress? Check.
Aerobics? Check.
Cheesy, hands-only choreography? Check.
GIGANTIC DANCING STRAWBERRY?? CHECK.

Yelle wins. Voila! Croissant, s'il vous plait, voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir, etc.

ALERT ALERT ALERT

We have the Teenagers record, and it looks like this:



It kind of looks like an American Apparel ad, which it sort of is, when you think about it.

Anyway, before we get to the part of the post where we see if the record gets a million per cent or not, let it be known that we are continually (that's CONTINUALLY) disappointed by bands that re-record great demos and rough cuts for a debut album. You;d think it wouldn't really matter if you glossed up a song that said the word "cunt" twice in every chorus. But whatever.

Here's what we think of the album.

1. "Homecoming": Amazing (It's kind of a testament to our lifestyle that at the tender age of twentysomethingteen we are completely morally immune to the word "cunt". CUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNT. See? Nothing).

2. "Love No": AMAZING (The line about watching Showgirls alone in your room 15 times = our lives circa 1998).

3. "Feeling Better": Very, very Good.

4. "Starlett Johansson": Not as Good as the demo version but Good nonetheless.

5. "Streets of Paris": Amazing, basically because it is the third track with a batter beat and the lead singer saying "c'est la folie!" in the GAYEST way imaginable. C'est la vie, belle du jour, vive la revolution, escargot, pret a porter, etc etc.

6. "Make It Happen": AMAZING.

7. "Wheel of Fortune": Not good.

8. "Fuck Nicole": Amazing.

9. "French Kiss": Meh. Actually NOT GOOD.

10. "Sunset Beach": Very good ("VODKA RED BULL". This album is so "2008" it's blowing our minds).

11. "Ill": can't really be bothered to listen to this all the way through for some reason. OH WAIT THE CHORUS IS AMAZING. It's the song we really liked when they played. AWESOME

11. "End of the Road": We actually tricked ourselves into thinking that this song was a cover of "End of the Road " by Boys II Men. How amazing would that have been? PS this song is not good, like at all. There's a really promising accelerated beat and vocal edit around the 2:10 where it sounds like some pretty heavy house shit is about to jump off, but we guess not. Apparently there's a great demo version of the Teenagers doing "My Heart Will Go On" somewhere, if we're to believe Crystal Castles (we don't). Anyway back to the half-assed review.

12. "Trouble": Ok.

13. "Starlett Johansson (Rory Phillips remix)": Sticking on a Rory Phillips/Boyz Noize/Kissy Sell Out/Erol Alkan/SMD/etc remix at the end of your record is a HORRIBLE idea, not because those producers aren't good but because it gives the impression that the record is a little bit "whatever" and needs a fashionable remix of the most recent single in order to trick cool people into buying it, which is exactly what people are expecting from the Teenagers anyway. It's an OK track though.

So, in conclusion, a brightly colored electro rock album from a band for who the most evident path is not always... oh who are we kidding. 10,000%, amazing.

NOT A WYR (Weird YouTube Rut)

Yelle has a new video. Well, actually, it's a Fatal Bazooka video, featuring Yelle on guest vocals. Let us elaborate:

Michael Youn is a French comedian who used to be a radio personality on Skyrock (actually a hip hop station, so confusing) and decided to start a parody rap group called Fatal Bazooka. We know that sounds and looks shitty but it's actually HILARIOUS. They did a song called "J'aime Trop Ton Boule" (I Like Your Ass) that was all about rappers loving dudes' butts. Sounds dumb but was AMAZING.

Anyway here's the video. It's called "Parle A Ma Main" (Talk To The Hand) and it's really good. Yelle's rap only comes in at the 4:00 mark, but it's worth watching the whole thing, because obviously we are the definitive opinion on music in all arenas.



It would take us a long time to break it down but we assure you that what you just saw was HILARIOUS and AMAZING, in equal measures.

Don't thank us.

Oh La La, Les Awesome Bands! Part 3: The Shoppings

If you've ever been to Paris, you'll know that the hipsters over there are fucking INTENSE. Like literally 60% more hipster than NYC hipsters. I know that's hard to fathom but believe us. We've seen one of the dudes from Justice wearing neon green plastic sunglasses down Canal Street at seriously not give a fuck. But we digress.

Today's featued French band are very hipster-y--they're called The Shoppings, for Chirssakes--but we'll give them extra points for being hella easy on the eyes. Yeah, we just said "hella". Whatever.

Their song "Salut a Toi" ("Hey") is like a textbook call-out to every Euro-hipster's heroes: "Hey, Yves St. Laurent/Hey, Jean-Paul Gauthier" etc etc. Pretty catchy.

The Shoppings - Salut a Toi

Here's some general YouTube-age of their song "Colette", which is like calling a song "Top Shop" or something:



Awesome. More Frenchitutde to come!

Oh La La, Les Awesome Bands! Part 2: Soko

In the second installment of our vin rouge et camembert week of French follies, we'd like to introduce to you the latest folk two-piece that has stolen our hearts: Soko. Sounding kind of like The Bird and The Bee (with more than one good song), Stina Nordenstam, Karen Ann and Bjork, Soko's anti-torch song "I'll Kill Her" TOTALLY blew our minds when we first heard it a few weeks back. If you've ever crushed on someone so much you kind of wanted to take a pneumatic drill to their face, this is the song for you. "I'll kill her/she stole my future and broke my dream" coos lead singer Soko Girl with the sort of nonchalant drawl that makes Isabelle Huppert sound like Roseanne. In case you hadn't noticed yet, WE APPROVE.

Soko - "I'll Kill Her"

Creepy right! Like La Boum meets Fatal Attraction! Soko are opening for the aforementioned Karen Ann in France this month, but no American dates have been set.

Also, feel free to cold check the video:



ALSO APPROVED.

Oh La La, Les Awesome Bands! Part One: Sexual Earthquake in Kobe

Believe it or not, France has been sort of killing it as of late, which hasn't really happened since Daft Punk, and before that like, the '60s. With labels like the ever-inspiring Ed Banger, Les Daft, and rock bands such as Fancy, Rock and Roll and Plasticine (actually, Plasticine kind of suck but whatever), France seems to be on top of its musical game for ths first time in years. This, of course, is cause to celebrate, and what better way to do so than to bring you the best in current French music all week long! That's right, your "freedom fries" can suck it, stupid American!

Let us being with the electro three-piece, Sexual Earthquake in Kobe. Now, apart from having THE BEST BAND NAME EVER, they're also cute little French boys who are bent on replacing the Test Icicles-shaped hole left in the musical fabric of planet Earth since sometime in late 2005. Really, they sound sexactly like the Icicles except they're French. Whatever, it's AMAZING.

See for yourself.

Sexual Earthquake in Kobe - "Love With"

We first discovered this band through Big Stereo, so thanks to those kids! More French bands to come during the week, so stay tuned...